Radical Return to Self
Life coach & conscious-dating enthusiast, Caitlin Bebb, weighs in on the art of dating oneself. Through the lens of her own experience with being single, she offers up bite-size steps toward owning your power & returning to your true self.
People often ask me if there was a moment everything shifted. And of course like any lasting change, it wasn’t one moment. It was a series of actions, consequences, choices, experiments, and ultimately, the continual decision that no matter what - I was going to live to the fullness of my capacity and radically commit to a new life. Which was actually committing to returning to myself.
When I tell people I’ve been single for six years, they balk. Which I understand. But I also think that it’s a little weird that in 2020, people are still so uncomfortable with singleness. The societal pressure to couple up runs deep. I realized that in order to be happy, I needed to treat myself with the tender care I hope a lover would. I needed to date myself.
Now - this idea... “dating” oneself, actually has nothing to do with relationship status. In fact, I think this is an idea that is very important to hold onto when one is in a relationship. We can do this if we’re single and dating, single and not dating… any entanglement. We can strengthen our own foundation so that no matter what happens in life (and we all know how life loooooves to throw shit at us) we know that we’ll always be OK.
So, what does this look like in action? Given that it’s 2 0 2 0 (literally help), we have to get creative. I take more time to prepare meals at home. Even if the food is simple, I buy flowers and light candles. Put music on and put my phone away. Truly sit with myself for a meal. Making my time alone at home sensual and nourishing. Guided meditations, long showers, making myself a sexy playlist. Lighting incense. Looking at myself in the mirror. Dancing.
Getting back to nature (yes, wherever you live). Standing under a tree. Staring at a body of water. However you connect with the world around you, and let it tell you -- you are truly never alone. If this feels foreign, that’s OK. When you start to feel difficult feelings - breathe into them. What is your heart trying to tell you? Journaling is an extremely effective tool to release built up chatter and start to uncover what’s in there.
Total game changer: Reframing thoughts. For example, “it’s sad I’m alone” to “it’s pretty cool I have so much freedom.” Or, when you see a couple and feel a pang of envy… “Wow, they’re so cute. At one point they were both single and then they met. So it’s possible for me too.”
In the past few years I’ve made quite an effort to make more like-minded friends. I realized that I needed more single friends so that I could have conversations with people who could relate to my circumstances. (How have I done this? Honestly - groups on Facebook. Sitting at bars alone. If someone says “oh you’d get along with my friend so-and-so” I ask for their number and reach out to them to set up a “blind” friend-date.) Who are you surrounding yourself with? These days we can make friends who live far away and keep in contact easily. Even if you’re not spending time with someone in person, that doesn’t mean they can’t be a source of joy and support. (One of my best friends I hadn’t met in person for the first 10 months of our friendship! She lives in Seattle and I live in New York. When she finally came to visit me, it was as if we’d known each other for years). Anything is possible.
If it’s within your means, hire help. Assess where you feel like you need support and do some research. There are SO many modalities to healing, but if you don’t vibe with the process/ person, it’s not going to be super helpful. Many coaches offer free first sessions, so that you can find the person who is right for you. A lot of practitioners offer a sliding scale, especially since the pandemic. Ask your friends for referrals. Get really curious about what you need and become an active creator of your life experience.
Recognize where you’re bullshitting yourself. Get gracefully ruthless about what steps you need to take towards the things you want. Start small. Continually question whether something is what you truly want, or if you’re doing things to please someone else. Try to let go of stories you were brought up with about who you’re supposed to be. How? Small, daily actions add up to big shifts.
You don’t have to actually be in the mood to do any of these things. But there's an interesting thing that happens, stepping into new behavior, making choices that are perhaps better than what you've done before… you start to collect evidence for yourself that you care. You deserve love. You’re worthy exactly as you are, it’s not about fixing. More like, uncovering. Returning to the full you that’s in there.
It’s nothing you haven’t heard before. There are no secrets. There’s practice, repetition, ritual, discipline, surrender, trust, reaching out for help, trying something new. Feeling fear and doing it anyway.
